I almost banished my beloved to the hinterland because he ate my cheese. I was fuming! The appropriate response from therapy and married retreats: \u201cI felt _____ when you _____,\u201d just didn\u2019t pack enough punch for this personal attack!<\/p>\n
In healthy communication, there is no finger pointing, but I was there! If looks could kill, I\u2019d be collecting insurance benefits. Thanks to COVID-19, my beloved had a conference call to scurry off to \u2026 good timing on his part.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I asked myself, \u201cWhy so much anger about snatched cheese?\u201d<\/em> Anytime I have an eruption like this, it\u2019s never about the \u201cstolen cheese.\u201d I knew in my heart that I needed to pay attention to what was stealing my joy.<\/p>\n COVID-19 has been fairly tolerable for my family, but upon reflection I had abandoned my usual ways of cultivating joy. Years ago, I learned the hard way that I must cultivate joy by intentionally engaging in activities, thoughts and practices that give me life.<\/p>\n I survived what my psychiatrist called a major depressive episode. During that time, my constant companions were anxiety, panic and fear. As a young mom, wife and pastor, I didn\u2019t know about creating \u201cmargin space\u201d for cultivating my own sense of being. Until \u201cthe crash,\u201d I had been living my life out of an assortment of roles. I had no awareness that little joy was created in simply checking off to-do lists.<\/p>\n Unable to get out of bed for months, silence and solitude became my way of \u201cbeing\u201d as my family left for their day. I reflected on a question my psychiatrist raised, \u201cMrs. Rasmus, what do you want?\u201d Her question left me feeling the mild panic of having lost something and not recalling what I had lost. I had no earthly idea what I wanted. I felt a sense of vulnerability and even grief.<\/p>\n Why was I unable to think of one freaking thing that I wanted? While ruminating on the question one day, the Spirit urged me to create a folder called, \u201cWant To.\u201d I kept it on my desk and put words from junk mail brochures and pictures from magazines. Daily, I\u2019d thumb through the collection like they were puzzle pieces. What was I missing?<\/p>\n I started to realize that God was helping me cultivate joy in the deep hole created by depression and anxiety. I hadn\u2019t envisioned anything to look forward to in years. I had focused on efficiency, perfection, and being a \u201cgood\u201d wife and mother. I had neglected the things that spoke to my soul, the things that gave me joy.<\/p>\n Joy fades with drudgery, but blossoms in the rich soil of taking time with people, places, things and self. Normally, our five senses capture the texture and richness of life, but I was zooming past all the sensory experiences by moving from task to task. I wasn\u2019t engaging life\u2019s nuances that made joy possible.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n