When they\u2019re babies, we secretly love that our kids prefer mom. Until we want one night out without a he-won\u2019t-take-a-bottle-from-me phone call fromdad.<\/p>\n
Sound familiar? It\u2019s natural for kids to bounce between parents much of their childhood, feeling closer to one or the other for different moments, days or even months.<\/p>\n
A recent bedtime at our house: Tell mom to come in. No, mom said she would read to me. I can\u2019t go to bed without mom. I need to tell mom something.<\/em> I\u2019m good at bedtime. I cuddle into meandering conversations and pour on love like a water fountain gone Niagara. In those moments, I\u2019m singularly focused, which is rare \u2014 and they know that. Thankfully, so does my husband. He\u2019s able to be grateful that the kids and I still have joy to share at the end of a day, instead of throwing himself a pity party in the hallway. But let\u2019s be honest: It stings, even when I\u2019m-on-Dad\u2019s-team days are just around the corner.<\/p>\n A traveling or deployed parent can find it harder to connect, especially when kids are young. Single parents also can simply have fewer connected hours with their children in which to bond. Parenting pros say kids can subconsciously guard their hearts against the sadness of repeated departures by remaining at arm\u2019s length, and preferring the parent who\u2019s most often at hand.<\/p>\n Sometimes the preferred parent might be the softer disciplinarian or the one who ups the fun factor most consistently. Explore the patterns in your household, but remember that unconditional love is what these moments call for. Keep in mind \u2026<\/p>\n It\u2019s a phase.<\/strong> Strong preference is usually a phase children outgrow.<\/p>\n Preference doesn\u2019t mean rudeness.<\/strong> Encourage kids that a whiny or mean voice isn\u2019t ever an appropriate way to express feelings.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not a child\u2019s job<\/strong> to affirm our worth as adults, says psychologist Ellen Weber Libby, author of The Favorite Child<\/em> (2010). So don\u2019t let your kids\u2019 reactions dictate your view of yourself in this way.<\/p>\n Talking openly<\/strong> with your spouse \u2014 away from little ears \u2014 about what\u2019s happening, how you\u2019re both feeling and how you can foster bonds, helps keep feelings of resentment from building up.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not a popularity contest.<\/strong> An outward desire to be preferred can harm your parenting. Your role is to raise little people into quality adults by setting boundaries and administering discipline, not to be most popular.<\/p>\n Stick together.<\/strong> Divide and conquer in family life will often be necessary, whether changing a diaper or attending overlapping soccer games. But don\u2019t default to chopping up the family; strive for full-family togetherness.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t buy things to earn affection.<\/strong> Look for activities to help connect, such as a special game to play or a tradition to share.<\/p>\n My kindergartener recently apologized for wanting dad to pick him up from school.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Mom, I\u2019m just really into dad since you were gone forever,\u201d he said. Never mind that \u201cforever\u201d was only three days, broken up with a half day home. But I actually pulled the car over so I could look in his eyes and tell him, \u201cYou never have to apologize for loving someone. And you never have to pick a favorite parent, just like I\u2019d never pick a favorite child. There\u2019s plenty of love to go around.\u201d<\/p>\n In her better moments, Susan Besze Wallace can rejoice when her three boys choose dad. After all, she chose him too.<\/em><\/p>\n \n ","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When they\u2019re babies, we secretly love that our kids prefer mom. Until we want one night out without a he-won\u2019t-take-a-bottle-from-me phone call fromdad. Sound familiar? It\u2019s natural for kids to bounce between parents much of their childhood, feeling closer to one or the other for different moments, days or even months. 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