{"id":2130,"date":"2016-01-20T20:54:27","date_gmt":"2016-01-20T20:54:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.mops.org\/?p=2130"},"modified":"2016-01-20T20:54:27","modified_gmt":"2016-01-20T20:54:27","slug":"raising-great-kids-dealing-with-selfishness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/raising-great-kids-dealing-with-selfishness\/","title":{"rendered":"Raising Great Kids: Dealing With Selfishness"},"content":{"rendered":"

Preschoolers are all about \u201cme first.\u201d They only look at reality in terms of how it affects them: I need all the cookies. I want to watch this TV show. Mine, mine, mine. It\u2019s a self-absorbed time of life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Part of the reason for this behavior is that since the fall of mankind, we\u2019ve had a tendency to go our own way and do our own thing. That\u2019s part of the human condition, and something we all have to deal with throughout our lives. Hopefully we\u2019re seeing great improvement along the way!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But another reason for selfishness is developmental in nature: Preschoolers are still forming their sense of self \u2014 who they are, what they feel and who they can relate to. They\u2019re \u201cwet cement\u201d at this stage of life. They need to learn about and experience themselves as a person with an identity. And the combination of these two realities makes for a preschooler who has a hard time being empathetic and generous toward others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t get discouraged: This isn\u2019t a problem in parenting. It\u2019s a normal process of parenting. Help your children navigate the two areas of taking responsibility for their lives and being considerate of the feelings of others. A preschooler can be giving and<\/i> generous. Here are a few tips to help you get there:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let your child know that his or her needs are OK.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Your child\u2019s need to be loved, to have choices, to have a special toy, to be listened to, are all good and typical experiences. You\u2019re teaching your child to guard his heart (Proverbs 4:23). This is one key to generosity. We give to the extent that we have been given to. A loved child can become a loving child. So help your child get her cup filled up inside and have something to offer others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Model and teach empathy.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

 Empathy is the ability to feel the pain of someone else. It\u2019s the basis of love: \u201cDo to others as you would have them do to you.\u201d (Luke 6:31) Be empathetic with your child and make sure you\u2019re demonstrating empathy at home. Let him see Dad and Mom being empathetic with each other and with siblings: \u201cSorry you had a hard day, Honey. It sounds like it was really tough.\u201d When you raise kids in a culture of empathy, they\u2019re able to see that\u2019s how people relate to each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Spell out the rules.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Your preschoolers are still baby-steppers in empathetic skills. So you also must add the rules of good behavior to their life. Make clear that while it\u2019s OK to have desires and opinions, other people\u2019s feelings matter too, and that\u2019s something we require at home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example: \u201cManuel, you\u2019ve had the toy long enough. Let Bryan play with it now.\u201d You\u2019ll probably get an argument. Calmly persevere: \u201cI know you still want it, but you\u2019ve had it long enough. Please give the toy to him now.\u201d You may even have to give your child a limit, so he\u2019ll know this is a big deal. Our booksRaising Great Kids<\/i> and Boundaries with Kids<\/i> describe how to handle these situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s important not to expect deep empathy from your preschooler yet. This will come later if you consistently use the tips above. Consider yourself a success if you see a lot of selfishness in your children, but over time your reminders to share are met with less and less protest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You also should see the beginnings of spontaneous generosity in your kids. That\u2019s the sweet spot of parenting. So many moms get discouraged because their preschooler isn\u2019t Mother Teresa at 4 years old. Instead, keep being empathetic and generous with your kids and keep requiring that they share.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, psychologists, leadership coaches and the authors of many books, selling over 5 million copies, including <\/i>Raising Great Kids, Boundaries, Boundaries with Kids and <\/i>Mom Factor \u2013 as well as the hosts of the syndicated national radio program \u201cNew Life Live.\u201d Want More? You can experience the wit, wisdom and understanding of Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend through the Solutions Audio Club. Each month you\u2019ll receive four exceptional audio recordings by the doctors, mailed to you home. For more information or for a complete list of their extensive resources and speaking engagements, call (800) 679-HOPE or visit their website at <\/i>cloudtownsend.com<\/a>. <\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Hello-Dearest-Front-Cover_winter2016\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

This originally appeared in the Winter 2016 issue of Hello, Dearest<\/em>. If you didn\u2019t get a copy and would like your own, you can subscribe<\/a> to get Hello, Dearest<\/em> in your mailbox every season. If you subscribe, forward your receipt to magazines@mops.org<\/a> and we\u2019ll shoot a copy of the current issue in the mail to you for free \u2026 just because we like you.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Preschoolers are all about \u201cme first.\u201d They only look at reality in terms of how it affects them: I need all the cookies. I want to watch this TV show. Mine, mine, mine. It\u2019s a self-absorbed time of life. Part of the reason for this behavior is that since the fall of mankind, we\u2019ve had […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":26,"featured_media":2149,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","_seopress_robots_follow":"","_seopress_robots_imageindex":"","_seopress_robots_snippet":"","_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"0","_seopress_robots_breadcrumbs":"","_seopress_robots_freeze_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_custom_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_canonical":"","_seopress_social_fb_title":"","_seopress_social_fb_desc":"","_seopress_social_fb_img":"","_seopress_social_fb_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_height":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_title":"","_seopress_social_twitter_desc":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_height":0,"_seopress_redirections_value":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled_regex":"","_seopress_redirections_logged_status":"","_seopress_redirections_param":"","_seopress_redirections_type":0,"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":"","_seopress_news_disabled":"","_seopress_video_disabled":"","_seopress_video":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas_manual":[],"_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable_all":"","_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas":[],"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[42],"tags":[252,104,155,26,203,169,157,101,181,114],"class_list":["post-2130","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","tag-a-fierce-flourishing","tag-advice","tag-educational","tag-family","tag-inspire","tag-kids","tag-learning","tag-parenting","tag-reality","tag-wisdom"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2130","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/26"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2130"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2130\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2130"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2130"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2130"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}