{"id":2201,"date":"2016-02-06T19:41:15","date_gmt":"2016-02-06T19:41:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.mops.org\/?p=2201"},"modified":"2016-02-06T19:41:15","modified_gmt":"2016-02-06T19:41:15","slug":"behind-closed-doors-a-journey-through-marriage-with-pornography-sexual-addiction","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/behind-closed-doors-a-journey-through-marriage-with-pornography-sexual-addiction\/","title":{"rendered":"Behind Closed Doors: A journey through marriage with pornography & sexual addiction"},"content":{"rendered":"

Jason and Shelley Martinkus bravely shared their story in the Summer 2014 issue of Hello, Darling<\/a>\u00a0<\/i>magazine. The issue of the magazine is called \u201cThe Privilege of Femininity.\u201d We discussed a myriad of topics that shape and inform our understanding of what it means to be a woman, and we couldn\u2019t skip by the topic of pornography in marriage. Their thoughtful article is an important topic, and we wanted to share their wise words again on the blog.<\/p>\n

They want to share more about their journeys, but want to know what you\u2019d <\/i>like to hear about. Include a comment below with thoughts or questions about how we can continue the conversation about pornography, sexual addiction and marriage.<\/p>\n

\n

There were secrets even before the wedding.<\/p>\n

He put up a good front, but in private, he watched pornography, talked to women in chat rooms and even met a woman in person while engaged.<\/p>\n

She smiled in public, but behind closed doors she cringed at her own body. She couldn\u2019t control her unruly hair or freckles, but she could control what she ate \u2026 so she didn\u2019t \u2014 starving herself into what she hoped would be perfection.<\/p>\n

Their dysfunctions kept the other at arm\u2019s length \u2014 which fed their individual messes.<\/p>\n

She suspected something was incredibly broken. He lied.<\/p>\n

He believed the lies pornography was telling him about his wife\u2019s body and asked her to dress more provocatively and have sex more often. She compromised her self-worth.<\/p>\n

By the end of their first year of marriage, he had met three different women from the Internet, and was sexually addicted. She was caught in a never-ending mind game trying to figure out what was wrong with her.<\/p>\n

Then, it all fell apart.<\/p>\n

Jason:<\/b> I was a jerk to Shelley. I was caught up in the lies of the pornography industry and my own addiction. When Shelley asked me about it, I manipulated her to explain it away.<\/p>\n

Shelley:<\/b> I suspected something wasn\u2019t right one night when he didn\u2019t answer his phone, and came home very late. Shortly after that, Jason told me that he almost had an affair, but wouldn\u2019t discuss it further. Over and over and over again, I wondered what was wrong with me that he would want another woman. Maybe I wasn\u2019t smart enough. Thin enough. Beautiful enough. Mostly, I wondered if I wasn\u2019t sexy enough. So I became a sexy woman, wardrobe and all. I prostituted myself to my husband. I tried to save my marriage by using my body.<\/p>\n

As I did this, my heart became bitter, resentful and unforgiving. I wanted to know the truth, and I demanded Jason tell me everything.<\/p>\n

Jason<\/b>: When Shelley demanded to know everything, I wrestled for a couple of days with whether or not to tell her. In the end, I decided to come clean because she deserved to know the truth. We were in the car on a seven hour drive when I told her everything.<\/p>\n

Shelley<\/b>: I quickly found out that it wasn\u2019t just the one woman he\u2019d told me about. There were more women. And chat rooms. And porn. I didn\u2019t want him to stop talking. I wanted to know it all. I remember asking him questions. I just couldn\u2019t believe this was my life.<\/p>\n

One of Jason\u2019s best days, when his secrets came into the light, was one of my worst days.<\/p>\n

I was mostly in shock. I couldn\u2019t believe it. I remember not knowing how to respond. I felt heartbroken. But more than anything, I was numb and in shock. I also felt, strangely enough, relieved. I had known there was something wrong for a long time, and now that the truth was out there, it meant I wasn\u2019t crazy all of this time.<\/p>\n

I made it very clear to Jason that I didn\u2019t know whether or not I would stay married to him. Even if I left him, I knew that I would still have to work through all of the emotional baggage left over from the brokenness in our relationship. I felt that as long as he was taking steps in the right direction, it would be easier for us to do it together versus for me to do it alone.<\/p>\n

Realizing I needed to forgive Jason was what gave me the courage to demand the truth. I couldn\u2019t live perpetually with such a bitter and resentful heart. I knew that forgiveness was the golden ticket, but for most of the first year, I put forgiveness on a shelf. As time went on, and we continued to stay committed to counseling and processing with each other, my heart began to soften. There just came a point where I knew I needed to choose to forgive Jason. I knew that it wasn\u2019t an emotion that I would simply feel. It was a choice. So 13 months in, I wrote Jason a letter of forgiveness.<\/p>\n

We sat down on the couch, and I read the letter to him. And then I handed it to him and felt like forgiveness was complete for me. But I was mistaken. About 24 hours later, I began to feel those familiar pangs of bitterness in my heart as other memories entered the forefront of my mind.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve struggled with the \u2018what ifs\u2019 of the future and the \u2018if onlys\u2019 of the past. But focused on the present, I knew staying together was the best choice for me, for us.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Jason:<\/strong> For me, receiving forgiveness has become a function of grace. I often think, I\u2019ve been forgiven so much, what right do I have to hold a grudge against her? That helps me reorient myself to the bigger picture of restoration in our relationship.<\/p>\n

Forgiving myself was very difficult. There was so much shame and self-hatred. Some days I felt like I was suffocating thinking about how bad I had hurt her and how wrecked our marriage had become. Even after Shelley was able to forgive me, it took years before I could forgive myself.<\/p>\n

Shelley:<\/strong> It used to be really ugly for me to be with Jason in public. Anytime there was another woman around, I compared myself to her.<\/p>\n

And I realized: For me, forgiveness wasn\u2019t going to be a one-time thing. It was going to be something that I needed to choose to continue to do over and over, as many times as necessary. And that\u2019s exactly how it\u2019s been. Still, to this day (though much less frequently), I will sometimes catch myself thinking about the past. And after a couple of minutes, I choose to stop and remind myself that I\u2019ve forgiven Jason. Our life is different now. We are both changed people and I forgive him once again.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve struggled with the \u201cwhat ifs\u201d of the future and the \u201cif onlys\u201d of the past. But focused on the present, I knew staying together was the best choice for me, for us. Shortly after I chose to forgive him, I chose to stay married to him.<\/p>\n

Jason:<\/strong> Thankfully I am free from pornography and sexual addiction and have seen more than a decade of sobriety. It\u2019s been a long and sometimes incredibly difficult journey. The hardest part was rebuilding trust and winning Shelley\u2019s heart back. It has been entirely worth it though, because I have seen so much change and healing both personally and in our marriage.<\/p>\n

Shelley:<\/strong> It wasn\u2019t until I saw so much change in Jason that my own struggles with identity and body image were put into contrast. The more work he did in counseling, the higher and higher he raised the bar. He was making better choices, changing, becoming healthier. And I thought, Hey, I want some of that too! I wanted to experience the change and freedom he was experiencing, but I felt like he was leaving me behind. So I started to share my story, and got honest about my eating disorder. Talking about my struggles helped me process. And I read several books that helped me along my journey.Chasing Silhouettes<\/em> by Emily T. Wierenga was one of them.<\/p>\n

Jason:<\/strong> It\u2019s been more than a decade now, and the more I am distanced from that lifestyle, the more I am able to see my warped and selfish view of women in general, and my wife in particular. Because I am no longer bound by the limited and chauvinistic view of women in pornography, I am able to value Shelley for her insight, wisdom, perspective, nurturing love for people and her heart for me and our boys.<\/p>\n

There is no comparing her to a fraudulent portrayal of what a wife and woman should be and do; I see her as herself. She\u2019s a woman of worth, not because of anything she does, or the way she looks, but because of who she is.<\/p>\n

Shelley:<\/strong> Early on we told our families and close friends what was going on. Telling them made it more real for us. I was able to find support and realized I hadn\u2019t given friends and family enough credit in my life for the grace they could give. I realized I had gone through life and didn\u2019t want to share hard things with people close to me for fear of how they would react. The process of being honest wasn\u2019t easy, and it wasn\u2019t always smooth. I remember having some hard conversations with friends that didn\u2019t understand why I was choosing to stay with Jason. We found that what we were going through affected those around us, for better or worse.<\/p>\n

Jason:<\/strong> Early into our healing process, we both agreed that we didn\u2019t want our pain to be in vain. If going through this process was this painful, we wanted to help and support others. And so I began to share our story, and my choices. And a few years down the road, Shelley decided to be a part of that storytelling process.<\/p>\n

Shelley:<\/strong> Jason\u2019s struggles weren\u2019t because I was broken, or something was wrong with me or I wasn\u2019t feminine enough. Nor were they because of my body or my sex appeal. When I assumed they were, that belief took me further from the truth, and further from knowing myself. Deeper into places of false beliefs, and pain.<\/p>\n

Slowly, in small steps, I\u2019m walking in the right direction; we are walking in the right direction. One step at a time.<\/p>\n

I walk toward loving myself and embracing my intrinsic beauty. And becoming a woman of beautiful character.<\/p>\n

Examine your marriage<\/h2>\n

Statistics about pornography use, sexual addiction and infidelity can be overwhelming (to say the least). Instead of examining the pandemic, whittle it down to your relationship. Even if you don\u2019t suspect there is any problem, open communication helps relationships grow and thrive.<\/p>\n

Protecting<\/h3>\n

Have you considered how media choices (what you watch, read or listen to) influence your view of sexuality? Have you discussed this with your spouse?<\/p>\n

Boundaries<\/h3>\n

Have you and your spouse agreed upon boundaries for relationships with the opposite sex, including what conversations are off-limits?<\/p>\n

Questions<\/h3>\n

Have you been faithful to me? Do any of my relationships with the opposite sex make you feel uncomfortable?<\/p>\n

\n

Jason and Shelley Martinkus started Redemptive Living<\/a> and Redemptive Living for Women<\/a> to give hope and help marriages heal. Jason\u2019s first book, Worthy of Her Trust<\/em><\/a>, co-authored by Stephen Arterburn, will be released August, 2014. They, along with their three boys, are glad to call Denver, Colorado, home.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jason and Shelley Martinkus bravely shared their story in the Summer 2014 issue of Hello, Darling\u00a0magazine. The issue of the magazine is called \u201cThe Privilege of Femininity.\u201d We discussed a myriad of topics that shape and inform our understanding of what it means to be a woman, and we couldn\u2019t skip by the topic of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":144,"featured_media":2212,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","_seopress_robots_follow":"","_seopress_robots_imageindex":"","_seopress_robots_snippet":"","_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"0","_seopress_robots_breadcrumbs":"","_seopress_robots_freeze_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_custom_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_canonical":"","_seopress_social_fb_title":"","_seopress_social_fb_desc":"","_seopress_social_fb_img":"","_seopress_social_fb_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_height":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_title":"","_seopress_social_twitter_desc":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_height":0,"_seopress_redirections_value":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled_regex":"","_seopress_redirections_logged_status":"","_seopress_redirections_param":"","_seopress_redirections_type":0,"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":"","_seopress_news_disabled":"","_seopress_video_disabled":"","_seopress_video":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas_manual":[],"_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable_all":"","_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas":[],"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[102,117],"tags":[168,40,192,181,36,133,187],"class_list":["post-2201","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-wellness","tag-body-image","tag-community","tag-in-the-bedroom","tag-reality","tag-relationships","tag-sex","tag-transparency"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2201","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/144"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2201"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2201\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2201"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2201"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2201"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}