I am a recovering people-pleaser. There. I admit it. Growing up as the oldest child in my family instilled a desire to please those around me, and I understand this to be a common attribute of first-born children.\u00a0 Even as an adult, I have often had difficulty saying no to others for fear that they would think less of me or that they would begin to dislike me. My difficulty saying no also stemmed from feelings of guilt because I didn\u2019t want to disappoint anyone.<\/p>\n
It has taken thirty-four years and a cross-country move for me to truly understand how to say no to people or commitments so that I could create margins for things that bring me life and joy.<\/p>\n
Here are three steps to help you gracefully say no:<\/p>\n
It is important to determine what matters to you as a family. Maybe during this season of your life, being home in the evenings is essential to you. Perhaps you have prioritized activities such as story time and bedtime, so you prefer not to commit to activities that will take you outside the home in the evenings. Or maybe you feel it is important for your children to see you serving others in some capacity, whether it\u2019s hosting people in your home or feeding the homeless once a week. When you determine as a family the things that are a priority, it is easier to say no to activities that directly conflict with those priorities. The next time you are asked to head that school committee or teach an evening class, you can evaluate how those activities fit with your family priorities.\u00a0 If they don\u2019t align, you will be able to gracefully decline without feelings of guilt.<\/p>\n
When my oldest daughter was a preschooler, I was passionate about teaching her to love music. So when I was asked to teach preschool choir, I jumped at the opportunity. I couldn\u2019t wait love those young children while helping them learn to embrace the beauty and joy that music brings to the soul. I enjoyed teaching my daughter and her friends. But a couple years later, things changed. It was no longer a passion for me in the way it had been a few years prior.\u00a0 Sometimes our passions change, and that\u2019s ok. Take time every few years to figure out what you\u2019re passionate about and look for activities that will nourish that passion. Be courageous enough to say no to things that don\u2019t bring you joy.<\/p>\n
For many years, I was involved in a multitude of activities such as monthly card games with friends, leading a moms group, and participating in multiple church commitments on top of working full-time outside the home. I was overcommitted and my marriage and family life suffered. Then a cross-country move eliminated all of these commitments from my life and it was glorious. But as I became involved in our new church and made new friends, I began to feel the old feelings of guilt resurface. I felt anxious that I wasn\u2019t more involved. One evening, as I lamented over these feelings of guilt, a very wise woman said this to me: \u201cWhen we commit to activities out of guilt, we take away someone else\u2019s blessing.\u201d There may be another woman who would be a great asset on the baking committee or a young mother who would experience a sense of fulfillment by teaching a children\u2019s group. But when we<\/em> agree to take on these responsibilities out of a sense of guilt, we often take away from someone else\u2019s passions.<\/p>\n Saying no is a learned skill. It takes practice to gracefully decline activities and commitments. But when we learn to say no to things that don\u2019t fuel us, we will have more room to say yes to those things that do. Be courageous, friend.<\/p>\n
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