{"id":2924,"date":"2016-05-02T00:01:07","date_gmt":"2016-05-02T06:01:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.mops.org\/?p=2924"},"modified":"2016-05-02T00:01:07","modified_gmt":"2016-05-02T06:01:07","slug":"talking-about-porn","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/talking-about-porn\/","title":{"rendered":"When Talking About Porn Might Cost You Everything"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is the second in a series of posts about journeying through a husband’s addiction to porn<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

“I think my husband is watching porn and I’m scared to bring it up because I might lose it all.\u201d<\/p>\n

I never suspected Jason was looking at porn<\/a>.<\/p>\n

It never even crossed my mind that he\u2019d look at someone other than me that way.\u00a0 And yet, deep down I knew something wasn\u2019t right.\u00a0 The unanswered phone calls, the evenings I spent alone at home waiting for his arrival, our lack of deep connection.\u00a0 As much as I wanted it to all be ok in my mind, my heart told me something else.<\/p>\n

When he told me his half-truth that night some 12 years ago while we were lying in bed, I realized my heart had been talking truth to me all along.\u00a0 Little did I know, Jason opened the door into his secret world and then he slammed it shut as soon as I started to ask questions.<\/p>\n

So I divorced my heart again, deciding to trust Jason instead.\u00a0 I convinced myself that leaving the past alone was the best way to move forward.\u00a0 It meant no discussions, no counseling, no grieving for me, no processing together.\u00a0 Nothing. I convinced myself that I needed to move on because if I brought it up, happily-ever-after would come crashing down all around me.<\/p>\n

\n

For nine very long months, my heart sickened.\u00a0 All the while, my mind continued to convince myself this was the only way. The only way to not lose it all.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Until I couldn\u2019t take it anymore: The bitterness.\u00a0 The resentment.\u00a0 The hardening inside my heart.<\/p>\n

It took me hitting rock bottom to realize:\u00a0 I was worthy.\u00a0 Worthy of using my voice.\u00a0 Worthy of asking for what I needed to process and grieve.\u00a0 Worthy of allowing myself to heal.\u00a0 Worthy of asking for something different from my marriage and from my husband.<\/p>\n

Did I know if Jason would choose to change?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 It was risky to use my voice because it meant I might lose it all.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing sweet sisters \u2013 I\u2019d already lost it all. \u00a0I\u2019d lost my voice, my worth, my marriage, myself.\u00a0 My little world eroded all around me and as much as I wanted to keep it together, I couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

I suspect I\u2019m not the only one afraid to speak up, to say something for fear of losing it all.\u00a0 And chances are, the stakes for you are even higher than they were for me 12 years ago.\u00a0 You might have small children at home, you might be a stay-at-home mom, you may not have worked in decades.\u00a0 You might be repeating to yourself, \u201cI’m doing this for my children, a divorce will destroy this family.\u201d<\/p>\n

If this sounds like something you\u2019ve said \u2013 first, I want you to know that I get it.\u00a0 Me too.\u00a0 I thought that quickly forgiving and moving on would make it all go away.\u00a0 But it didn\u2019t.\u00a0 In fact, it got worse.<\/p>\n

With that being said, can I share my truth with you?<\/p>\n

\n

First, I want you to know that you and your family are worth the risk.\u00a0 You are worthy of healing.\u00a0 You are worthy of knowing the truth.\u00a0 You are worthy of a husband that is faithful to you and only you.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Second, chances are high that your husband doesn\u2019t want to lose you and his family over his porn or affairs (or anything in between).\u00a0 Chances are high that he can\u2019t believe he\u2019s caused you so much pain (or will cause you pain if you knew the truth).\u00a0 Hence, the reason it\u2019s a secret he keeps hidden and something the two of you don\u2019t discuss.<\/p>\n

Third, remember that you are possibly the only person on the planet who can motivate your husband to make different choices.\u00a0 And to be clear, this isn\u2019t linked to how you dress, or how different your body looks after having kids, or how much sex you may or may not have with him.\u00a0 Instead, it\u2019s linked to asking for what you need.\u00a0 Demanding that life must look different.\u00a0 And surrendering the outcome.<\/p>\n

I’ll never regret the risk I took when I decided I wouldn\u2019t settle for a marriage that wasn\u2019t built on truth.\u00a0 I knew there were no promises when I took that leap of faith.<\/p>\n

I also realized the only way for us to move forward \u2013 as a couple and as a family \u2013 was for me to use my voice.\u00a0 To say enough.\u00a0 And to share how I was feeling and ask for change.<\/p>\n

Do you feel you can take that leap of faith?\u00a0 Maybe it starts with sharing your story with someone you trust.\u00a0 Maybe it’s finding a counselor to help you figure out the best way to approach your husband and share your heart with him.<\/p>\n

Maybe, just maybe, today will be the beginning of something new and different for you.\u00a0 The day you decided \u2013 you are worth it.\u00a0 And so is your family.<\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019d love to answer any questions you might have for me.\u00a0 I can be reached at shelley@rlforwomen.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n

For more resources check out:<\/p>\n

Redemptive Living for Women<\/a>: This is my website where you’ll find a helpful workbook, weekly blog posts and support.<\/p>\n

Redemptive Living:<\/a>\u00a0My husband Jason’s website where you can find the book he wrote about his journey, free resources for men and more.<\/p>\n

Fight the New Drug:<\/a>\u00a0An edgy non-profit that advocates for the fight against porn.<\/p>\n

This Christianity Today article<\/a>\u00a0shares eye-opening recent stats on porn use in Christian circles.<\/p>\n

\n

\"Shelley<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Shelley Martinkus loves to encourage women and has a special place in her heart for women with a similar story to hers. \u00a0She is a blogger, speaker and writer. \u00a0Her first book, Rescued<\/em>, was released in 2015 and is a guide to help women survive and thrive after sexual betrayal. \u00a0She is proud to call Denver home where she lives with her husband, Jason and their three young boys. \u00a0Some of the things that help Shelley survive are comfy pants, running around Wash Park and long talks with Jason after the boys are in bed. \u00a0You can connect with Shelley at rlforwomen.com<\/a>.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is the second in a series of posts about journeying through a husband’s addiction to porn.   “I think my husband is watching porn and I’m scared to bring it up because I might lose it all.\u201d I never suspected Jason was looking at porn. It never even crossed my mind that he\u2019d look […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":158,"featured_media":2928,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","_seopress_robots_follow":"","_seopress_robots_imageindex":"","_seopress_robots_snippet":"","_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"0","_seopress_robots_breadcrumbs":"","_seopress_robots_freeze_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_custom_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_canonical":"","_seopress_social_fb_title":"","_seopress_social_fb_desc":"","_seopress_social_fb_img":"","_seopress_social_fb_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_height":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_title":"","_seopress_social_twitter_desc":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_height":0,"_seopress_redirections_value":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled_regex":"","_seopress_redirections_logged_status":"","_seopress_redirections_param":"","_seopress_redirections_type":0,"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":"","_seopress_news_disabled":"","_seopress_video_disabled":"","_seopress_video":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas_manual":[],"_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable_all":"","_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas":[],"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[102],"tags":[388,271,137,389],"class_list":["post-2924","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-communication","tag-honesty","tag-marriage","tag-porn"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2924","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/158"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2924"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2924\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2924"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2924"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2924"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}