{"id":3261,"date":"2016-06-14T11:05:22","date_gmt":"2016-06-14T17:05:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.mops.org\/?p=3261"},"modified":"2016-06-14T11:05:22","modified_gmt":"2016-06-14T17:05:22","slug":"in-the-dark","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/in-the-dark\/","title":{"rendered":"In the Dark: Healing Sexual Intimacy After Porn and Infidelity"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’ll never forget the first time my husband, Jason, and I had the opportunity to speak together to a group of couples at a retreat deep in the mountains of Colorado.\u00a0 We were there to share our story and more than that, how God was saving our marriage after porn, affairs and everything in between<\/a> had taken us down for the count.\u00a0 I could barely sleep the night prior and my heart’s strong beat was a constant reminder \u2013 as I lay there sleepless \u2013 of my real fear of talking in front of others.<\/p>\n

When I think about that event, my most poignant memory was the tall woman standing in the back of the room with her arms crossed.\u00a0As she catapulted a question my way, her tone revealed my story had hit close to home.\u00a0Sternly, she asked, \u201cAfter everything Jason has done, and given your struggle with anorexia, how can you possibly have sex with him?\u201d<\/p>\n

Time slowed.\u00a0 I’ve never been a quick processor.\u00a0 How in the world do I answer that<\/em> question?\u00a0 So I mustered up the courage to tell her the truth.\u00a0 My answer:\u00a0 “In the dark.”\u00a0<\/strong> In other words \u2013 the lights were off because even a small amount of light was too uncomfortable for me.<\/p>\n

That was five years ago.\u00a0 We were seven years into our healing process. Seven years!<\/p>\n

And what I knew back then and still know today is this:\u00a0 Healing the broken pieces of sexual intimacy has taken longer than any other area that needed mending.\u00a0 In fact, our work in this area is not complete.\u00a0 Sometimes I feel we have a long way to go.\u00a0 And other times, I think we might have turned the corner for good<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

For women with a similar story<\/a> to mine, sexual intimacy simply looks different.\u00a0 For us, our husband’s have shared the most sacred part of themselves with others \u2013 whether people in the flesh that they shared their sexuality with or people on the computer screen \u2013 something meant only for us was given away to others.<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

For many of us, going back to that place of fully giving our sexuality to our husbands takes a lot of time, a lot of tears, a lot of grieving, a lot of conversation and a lot of trust.<\/p>\n

For myself, I’d never fully given myself sexually to Jason.\u00a0 I held back before I knew Jason’s ugly truth.\u00a0 It’s as if my body knew what my heart and mind couldn’t conceive.<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong> So giving myself fully to him was completely foreign to me.<\/p>\n

As we started the process of healing our sexual intimacy, we realized it didn’t start with sex.\u00a0<\/strong> It started with being fully known and fully knowing the other at a heart level.\u00a0 Not only that, but it also started with Jason coming to terms with the fact that he couldn’t continue to use his sexuality to manufacture feelings of love and want anytime he so pleased (\u201con demand\u201d).<\/p>\n

You see, porn and affairs are not about sex.\u00a0 They’re about using and abusing sex to manufacture feelings of love and want and acceptance in order to cover up the feelings of abandonment, rejection and pain.\u00a0 Think about it \u2013 will the computer screen ever reject a person?\u00a0 No.<\/p>\n

So we had to wipe the slate clean.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Jason had to work on being fully known in a real relationship (with me) where there was a high risk of being rejected.\u00a0 I, as well, had to work at being fully known in a relationship where I felt completely rejected.<\/p>\n

We needed to share our hearts with each other \u2013 our thoughts, our feelings, our dreams, our fears.\u00a0 We worked at holding each other right there.\u00a0 Right where we were at.<\/p>\n

All of this has taken years to figure out \u2013 and it’s laid the foundation for sexual intimacy.<\/p>\n

Because what Jason and I believe today is that sexual intimacy is the culmination of being fully known at a heart and soul level.\u00a0 It’s not the means by which we connect, it’s the capstone or celebration of our connection.<\/p>\n

And this is really, really hard work.<\/p>\n

So if you are reading this and you share a similar story to mine \u2013 if you find that picking up the broken pieces of sexual intimacy has been really challenging for you \u2013 first, know this:\u00a0 you are not alone.\u00a0 Me too.\u00a0 It’s been really hard and sometimes, it still is.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Second, if you haven’t given yourself completely to your husband since you found out about his sexual integrity issues \u2013 give yourself permission today to sit in that.\u00a0 To recognize that there is still more work to do to fully trust, fully grieve, fully come to terms with this part of your story<\/strong>.\u00a0 Depending on where you are in the process, it might be beneficial to plug into a support group or find a counselor.<\/p>\n

And third, recognize that healthy sexual intimacy doesn’t start with sex<\/strong>.\u00a0 If you or your husband think or say out loud, “I don’t feel connected, let’s have sex.”\u00a0 You’ve got it all backwards.\u00a0 It starts with fully knowing your husband and him fully knowing you \u2013 at a heart and soul level.\u00a0 For us, it starts with sitting with eyes locked, sharing heart and soul, working at hearing one another and giving each other a safe place to be.<\/p>\n

As always, I’d love to hear from you if you have any questions for me or simply want to share your story.\u00a0 I can be reached at shelley@rlforwomen.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\n

Read more about Jason\u2019s porn addiction and Shelley\u2019s battle with anorexia in this <\/em>honest interview<\/em><\/a>. You can also read more from Shelley about how she faced the realization of her <\/em>husband\u2019s porn use and infidelity<\/em><\/a>, then how she bravely <\/em>confronted the issue<\/em><\/a> despite fear and uncertainty.<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\n

\u00a0<\/strong>For more resources check out:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Redemptive Living for Women<\/a>: This is my website where you\u2019ll find a helpful workbook, weekly blog posts and support.<\/p>\n

Redemptive Living:<\/a>\u00a0My husband Jason\u2019s website where you can find the book he wrote about his journey, free resources for men and more.<\/p>\n

Kitchen Convos<\/a>: This is a series of conversations that my husband, Jason, and I put together to help couples find redemption after betrayal. There is a fee associated with this, but if you choose to participate, we will donate 15% of the proceeds back to MOPS International.<\/p>\n

Fight the New Drug:<\/a>\u00a0An edgy non-profit that advocates for the fight against porn.<\/p>\n

This\u00a0Christianity Today article<\/a>\u00a0shares eye-opening recent stats on porn use in Christian circles.<\/p>\n

\n

\"Shelley<\/p>\n

Shelley Martinkus loves to encourage women and has a special place in her heart for women with a similar story to hers. \u00a0She is a blogger, speaker and writer. \u00a0Her first book, Rescued<\/em>, was released in 2015 and is a guide to help women survive and thrive after sexual betrayal. \u00a0She is proud to call Denver home where she lives with her husband, Jason and their three young boys. \u00a0Some of the things that help Shelley survive are comfy pants, running around Wash Park and long talks with Jason after the boys are in bed. \u00a0You can connect with Shelley at rlforwomen.com<\/a>.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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