{"id":329,"date":"2014-03-15T00:03:02","date_gmt":"2014-03-15T06:03:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.mops.org\/2014\/03\/15\/building-trust-with-the-in-laws\/"},"modified":"2024-12-12T12:38:14","modified_gmt":"2024-12-12T18:38:14","slug":"building-trust-with-the-in-laws","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/building-trust-with-the-in-laws\/","title":{"rendered":"Building Trust with the In-Laws"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I cringed through the movie <i style=\"line-height: 1.6;\">Meet the Parents<\/i>. I tried to laugh, but it was just so uncomfortable. My cringing came from all of the AWKWARD, really awkward moments, of someone trying to fit into an existing family. As Ben Stiller\u2019s character is introduced to his girlfriend\u2019s clan he learns being accepted won\u2019t come instantly. And her family\u2019s \u201ccircle of trust\u201d, is an either you\u2019re in or you\u2019re out kind of thing, and he spends the whole movie trying to push in. From the way they pray to the way they joke he finds he can\u2019t quite get it right. His missteps are painful to watch because they are exaggerated points of truth we all can relate to.<\/p>\n<p><iframe src=\"\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/QHJGoZpFeM8\" width=\"650\" height=\"400\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>Melding into another family is just plain hard. You meet a man you love and sometimes loving the people who raised and grew up with him is natural and easy. And sometimes it\u2019s just the opposite, uncomfortable and even painful. For most of us I think it lies somewhere in the middle. And here\u2019s the thing about relationships, the hard thing, we can\u2019t control how other people behave, we can only control ourselves. So even if we try our hardest at our in-law relationships, it\u2019s often rocky, because there is no formula that guarantees marital bliss with the extended family. Then enter children into the picture and the dynamics of grandchildren, nieces, nephews and cousins can make the already complex dynamics even more complicated.<\/p>\n<p>Don\u2019t hate me, but I\u2019ve been one of the lucky ones. I married into a family of people who I genuinely love to be with. We are friends and they have been wonderful at bringing me into the fold. Though I\u2019ve never referred to my mother-in-law as my mother-in-love (not quite my terminology), it is a spot-on description of how we are bonded apart from my husband. But even in the best of cases, we are all imperfect people and we\u2019ve made mistakes and hurt each other and started over multiple times. In order to move our relationships from superficial to meaningful, you know with real trust, we\u2019ve had to keep working at them.<\/p>\n<p>So Darling, as moms of young ones, we are in a unique all-consuming space of caring for kids all. of. the. time. We\u2019re often exhausted to the point of falling asleep at the dining room table, so being gracious about Christmas plans and parenting advice can feel unattainable.<\/p>\n<h2>But I believe in us. And I believe in the families we\u2019ve married into.<\/h2>\n<p>They\u2019re not perfect, no families are. So let\u2019s do what WE can to create some trust. So I\u2019m going to direct these comments directly to you moms to focus on what we can control:<\/p>\n<h3><b>Be kind<\/b><\/h3>\n<p>This is so simple and yet so difficult at the same time. Especially when tensions are high and words have already been said. But taking the intentional zingers out of the conversation will bring down the pressure and mellow everything out a bit. Besides it\u2019s your number one prevention tool against saying things you\u2019ll regret.<\/p>\n<h3><b>Keep conversations private<\/b><\/h3>\n<p>If your sister-in-law confides in you, be a good confidant. There\u2019s no need to tell anyone else. There just isn\u2019t. This keeps gossip and factions from building and in turn makes trust possible.<\/p>\n<h3><b>Don\u2019t compare<\/b><\/h3>\n<p>Now that I have multiple children I understand fair does not mean equal in all circumstances. Comparing how your husband\u2019s siblings or their children are treated by his parents helps no one. If there are hurts there, it\u2019s time to have a conversation or two. Which leads me to\u2026<\/p>\n<h3><b>Speak truth<\/b><\/h3>\n<p>Sometimes we hear \u201cI\u2019m just being honest\u201d as a way of excusing all kinds of hurtful words. Speaking truth allows you to say what you\u2019ve experienced and you feel without accusing someone else. It IS possible to say difficult things and be kind at the same time.<\/p>\n<h3><b>Avoid assumptions<\/b><\/h3>\n<p>Sometimes we make assumptions and don\u2019t even know we are making them. And if our assumptions are incorrect we may have hurt feelings or misunderstandings that are based on false information. Ask yourself, Do I know this to be true? How? You want your relationships to be centered on truth, not half-truths.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve failed at all of these at some point (remember we\u2019re all imperfect?) It\u2019s from these failures I know just how vital these principles are to building and maintaining trust with the family you married into. Family dynamics will never be perfect, we can give up on that hope. But there are things we can do to make them better, and in fact quite good and precious.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em>As a mom to four girls, ages 11, 8, 4 and 2, Alexandra Kuykendall is offered daily doses of the ludicrous and sublime. She is the author of this year\u2019s MOPS International theme book,<a href=\"http:\/\/mops.christianbook.com\/the-artists-daughter-a-memoir\/alexandra-kuykendall\/9780800722050\/pd\/722050\/1345168016?event=HPF1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Artist\u2019s Daughter, A Memoir<\/a>and is the Mom and Leader Content Editor for the organization. This means she reads a lot and writes when she can. But don\u2019t be fooled by long and fancy titles, most of Alex\u2019s days are spent washing dishes, driving to and from different schools and trying to find a better solution to the laundry dilemma. You can connect with her at<a href=\"http:\/\/alexandrakuykendall.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">AlexandraKuykendall.com<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<div class=\"call-to-action\">What\u2019s been the most helpful for you as you\u2019ve navigated the in-law relationship?<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I cringed through the movie Meet the Parents. I tried to laugh, but it was just so uncomfortable. My cringing came from all of the AWKWARD, really awkward moments, of someone trying to fit into an existing family. As Ben Stiller\u2019s character is introduced to his girlfriend\u2019s clan he learns being accepted won\u2019t come instantly. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":23,"featured_media":13025,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"elementor_header_footer","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","_seopress_robots_follow":"","_seopress_robots_imageindex":"","_seopress_robots_snippet":"","_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"0","_seopress_robots_breadcrumbs":"","_seopress_robots_freeze_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_custom_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_canonical":"","_seopress_social_fb_title":"","_seopress_social_fb_desc":"","_seopress_social_fb_img":"","_seopress_social_fb_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_height":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_title":"","_seopress_social_twitter_desc":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_height":0,"_seopress_redirections_value":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled_regex":"","_seopress_redirections_logged_status":"","_seopress_redirections_param":"","_seopress_redirections_type":0,"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":"","_seopress_news_disabled":"","_seopress_video_disabled":"","_seopress_video":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas_manual":[],"_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable_all":"","_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas":[],"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[102],"tags":[104,127,182,26,31,183,181,160,114],"class_list":["post-329","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-advice","tag-alexandra","tag-circle-of-trust","tag-family","tag-fear","tag-in-laws","tag-reality","tag-thought-provoking","tag-wisdom"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/329","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/23"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=329"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/329\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":32382,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/329\/revisions\/32382"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=329"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=329"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=329"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}