My Beloved Daughters, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I love being your mother. One of my greatest pleasures in life is watching you grow and mature. Having the front row seat to your wonder and imagination is incredible. I never knew motherhood could be this wonderful.\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But this joy is hard-won because before it, came depression.\u202f\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My pregnancies were easy. I had no morning sickness nor complications, and although I was tired, I could function.\u202fYour births were all fast and smooth. Nothing ever went wrong, and recovery was quick.\u202f\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But postpartum was always different. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) were my companions every time. Sometimes they were pervasive\u202f\u2014\u202flike when driving to church in the months after our car accident felt like a death sentence, and when depression made me constantly doubtful, irritable and distant. Other times, PMADs were like an overcast sky, something you hardly notice until, one day, the sun comes out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
After each of you were born, I wondered if motherhood with one, two, then three kids was just like this. Once the acute anxiety or depression had faded, I thought maybe I wasn\u2019t as happy and easygoing as I used to be because motherhood was just hard. But there was always a time when the fog lifted, and I suddenly couldn\u2019t imagine anything on earth better than our little family.\u202f\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t want you to feel guilty about my depression and anxiety. But you need to know, because just\u202fas\u202feasy pregnancies and deliveries can be hereditary, so too can PMADs.\u202f\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What I experienced was not your fault. PMADs may have come after you were born, but you didn\u2019t do anything to cause them, nor was the depression an accurate picture of how I felt about you. Even during the times I felt disconnected from you, I loved you\u202fand longed for more. I knew what I was going through was not the way things were supposed to be.\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t blame you at all. And I\u2019m not bitter that I went through this darkness after you were born. It brought me closer to you, closer to Papa, closer to\u202fGod. It\u2019s not a path I ever would have chosen, but it was worth it to have you.\u202f\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I love you more because of PMADs. When I look at you and remember the heartache of depression and the terrors of anxiety, PTSD and OCD, I\u2019m filled with gratitude that I\u2019m better and\u202ffilled\u202fwith joy at how today is so different. The mama bear in me holds you closer because I suffered to have you. You are much more precious to me because of PMADs. You are a reminder to me of the good\u202fthat\u202fGod can bring out of our sorrow.\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But because of me, you are at risk for PMADs. It doesn\u2019t mean you will have PMADs, just that you are more likely to have them. I want to prepare you well for that possibility and for how even your monthly hormonal fluctuations may affect you. I want to help you learn to ride your emotions well. I want you to know that God is there for you in every difficulty.\u202f\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You don\u2019t have to tell me your struggles,\u202fbut you do need to know that I am always here for you if you want to share. I will always love you, no matter how you transition to motherhood.\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Most of all, I want you to know that God can redeem and bring light even in the darkest times. PMADs or any other suffering you go through is not the end, even if sometimes it feels like it. God may\u202fseem\u202fsilent at times, but\u202fhe is always faithful.\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I love you, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mommy\u202f\u00a0
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Kyleigh Dunn is a wife to Ezra, a mother to three young girls\u202fand an obsessive reader\u202fseeking to spread awareness of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders in the church and apply theology and biblical encouragement to moms experiencing them. Kyleigh can be found on Instagram @kyleighrdunn or Facebook\u202f@thesojourningdunns.\u202f\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n