Most of us know why we\u2019ve lost our desire. No time, too tired, too busy, we\u2019re already \u201cover-touched,\u201d there\u2019s always a kid in the bed, after-kid-bedtime is about the only quiet time in the day to regroup \u2013 the list goes on. No mystery here as to WHY it\u2019s gone, let\u2019s explore how we can possibly get it back again \u2026<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s the deal. For a long time we have understood human sexuality to follow this progression: 1.) Desire 2.) Intercourse 3.) Orgasm 4.) Resolution. The problem with this view is that it has lead us to believe the woman must <\/em>experience desire in order to say yes to or initiate sex. As many of us know, one can wait \u2026 and wait \u2026 and wait for quite a long time. Which, obviously, leads to less and less sex \u2026 which in time, creates a dry sexless tundra. Women worry over this reality, they reach out to girlfriends to discuss all the reasons why they don\u2019t want to have sex \u2013 which does nothing to reignite the fire within.<\/p>\n I\u2019d like to demystify sexual desire a little bit here.<\/em> If we think it\u2019s some elusive and magical visitation we\u2019re awaiting and wondering why we aren\u2019t good enough or lucky enough to receive it; we sink into despair, shame and feelings of wifely failure. I like to look at it (at this busy stage of life) like working out, eating healthy, studying the bible or tackling a project. Just because you don\u2019t feel <\/em>like starting it doesn\u2019t mean you won\u2019t really enjoy it once you get going. In time, the activity becomes its own reward and you find yourself actually feeling like<\/em> you want to work out, or actually craving veggies and even depending on your prayer and study time.<\/p>\n When it comes to sex, if we can make a conscious choice to just go for it \u2026 maybe even with a schedule or goal in mind at first \u2013 once per week, twice per week, every other week, whatever \u2013 watch and see what happens after a few weeks. You may actually discover that you feel DESIRE.<\/p>\n DISCLAIMER: This approach MAY NOT be healthy for women who are recovering from or have sexual trauma in their histories. This could feel terrible, obligatory, out of control or damaging. I\u2019ll be writing a blog especially for you soon, this current nugget of encouragement may not be helpful for you. Everyone needs to listen to their bodies\/guts, no matter your history. It is paramount that you feel grounded and present in your body and very safe with your husband. We\u2019re just working on combatting \u201cblah\u201d feelings here, not unsafe <\/em>feelings.<\/p>\n Back to that clinical prediction of how sex progresses: {desire, intercourse, climax, resolution.} Many, many women report feeling desire, interest and excitement about half-way through the sexual encounter.<\/strong> Do you see the problem here with the expectation that desire is the precursor? What we\u2019ve learned is we just have to \u201cget over the hump\u201d first \u2013 please pardon the expression \u2013 I wracked my brain for another one. If a little more attention can be paid to foreplay and a little romance, this gives the woman\u2019s body and brain more time to release the day and be in the present moment. Then if an orgasm happens, after the romantic encounter is over most women would say, \u201cOk, that was a good use of time!\u201d Author and marriage expert Michele Weiner-Davis tells a story of a man in her office who said, \u201cI wish my wife would write, \u2018I like sex\u2019 on her hand so she remembers it for next time.\u201d<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know exactly why we forget that sex can be a great use of time. Our husbands don\u2019t seem to forget. You aren\u2019t alone, we all get in ruts sometimes, I hope you feel a tiny bit more inspired to burst out of your current one and that you get a good return for your efforts.<\/p>\n Kelley Gray has been a private practice psychotherapist in the Denver area for 14 years. She is passionate about promoting growth, healing and making messes with her daughters.<\/em><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Most of us know why we\u2019ve lost our desire. No time, too tired, too busy, we\u2019re already \u201cover-touched,\u201d there\u2019s always a kid in the bed, after-kid-bedtime is about the only quiet time in the day to regroup \u2013 the list goes on. No mystery here as to WHY it\u2019s gone, let\u2019s explore how we can […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":159,"featured_media":3822,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","_seopress_robots_follow":"","_seopress_robots_imageindex":"","_seopress_robots_snippet":"","_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"0","_seopress_robots_breadcrumbs":"","_seopress_robots_freeze_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_custom_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_canonical":"","_seopress_social_fb_title":"","_seopress_social_fb_desc":"","_seopress_social_fb_img":"","_seopress_social_fb_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_height":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_title":"","_seopress_social_twitter_desc":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_height":0,"_seopress_redirections_value":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled_regex":"","_seopress_redirections_logged_status":"","_seopress_redirections_param":"","_seopress_redirections_type":0,"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":"","_seopress_news_disabled":"","_seopress_video_disabled":"","_seopress_video":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas_manual":[],"_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable_all":"","_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas":[],"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[117],"tags":[104,133,508,441,112],"class_list":["post-3821","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-wellness","tag-advice","tag-sex","tag-sexual-desire","tag-sexual-intimacy","tag-tips"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3821","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/159"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3821"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3821\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3821"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3821"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3821"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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