{"id":6069,"date":"2017-11-17T00:02:41","date_gmt":"2017-11-17T07:02:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.mops.org\/?p=6069"},"modified":"2017-11-17T00:02:41","modified_gmt":"2017-11-17T07:02:41","slug":"five-practices-touchy-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.themom.co\/fr\/five-practices-touchy-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"Five Practices to Navigate Touchy Conversations"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dinner conversation looks a bit different than it used to for me and my husband. After our daughter was born, many of our mealtimes were marked by few words \u2013 not because we were angry with each other, but because we were exhausted new parents just trying not to fall asleep in our soup. But for the past six months, we\u2019ve been talking more often and more deeply about things like spirituality, theology and politics. Part of this change is because we\u2019re in a gloriously stable season of not being sleep-deprived and overwhelmed. But part of this change is because I\u2019m neck-deep in a season of spiritual upheaval, and I can\u2019t not<\/em> talk about it with my partner.<\/p>\n

My husband, Dan, is not currently going through a spiritual identity crisis, but even so, he has taken on the role of co-journeyer. His active support has made all the difference in how heard, loved and secure I feel when so much about my identity and beliefs seems to be shifting.<\/p>\n

To be honest, the first few conversations we had about my questions and doubts didn\u2019t go very well. I became defensive quickly, thinking that Dan expected me to have fully formed, provable beliefs, when really he just wanted to understand what I was going through. As we began to talk more openly, we developed a few key practices that help us have productive, fruitful conversations that bring us closer together, even when our opinions diverge.<\/p>\n

We start with the end in mind.<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s impossible to know exactly where we\u2019ll land at the end of a conversation, but casting a shared vision is important and possible. We often begin these conversations by sharing what we want to be true at the end. For example, one of us might say, \u201cI want to have a perspective that is rooted in love for God and enables me to love people better\u201d or \u201cI want to better understand this piece of Scripture and what the author really meant.\u201d By naming our intentions, desires and hoped-for destination, we ground our conversation in exploration rather than debate.<\/p>\n

We don\u2019t try to convince each other.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Instead of positioning ourselves as opponents, where only one person can come out of the conversation correct and victorious, we commit to being co-learners. We talk through these big spiritual and political questions to get to know each other (something we still need to do even in marriage), to process what we\u2019re thinking and feeling, and to end up in a new place. Sometimes \u201cnew\u201d doesn\u2019t mean a radical change \u2013 it could be that we each sharpen an opinion we already held, or perhaps we arrive at different conclusions about a new idea. But the important part is that we pushed ourselves, learned together and benefited each other\u2019s perspective. This is probably the hardest part for me, given my I-always-need-to-be-right personality type. So, when I notice myself starting to get defensive or adversarial, I say out loud that I want to learn with Dan and not work against him.<\/p>\n

We stay grounded in who the other person is.<\/strong><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all heard the idea that we\u2019re not supposed to discuss religion and politics over the dinner table. These conversations have the power to turn ugly fast, and I think it\u2019s because these topics are so deeply tied to our identities, our values and our core beliefs. When someone doesn\u2019t agree with our viewpoints, it can feel like an affront to who we are. For the same reason, it can lead us to believe untrue, negative things about who the other person must be. When Dan and I have difficult conversations, especially when things start to feel heated, we commit to reminding ourselves of who the other person is and who we have historically known them to be. My husband is kind, generous, servant-hearted, intelligent and thoughtful. Even when we disagree, those things are still true about him.<\/p>\n

We push each other to be our best selves.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Believing the best about each other doesn\u2019t mean that Dan and I unquestioningly accept each other\u2019s opinions. Sometimes it means Dan has to push me to be my best self \u2013 or vice versa \u2013 and point out when an opinion doesn\u2019t actually align with what I say I value, or when a belief doesn\u2019t work with the overall system that I claim is important to me. All humans have blind spots and I rely on my husband, who knows me better than anyone else does, to be my sideview mirror, helping me see what I can\u2019t on my own.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re mastering phrases that defuse tough situations.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Here are some of our favorites:<\/p>\n