Do an experiment<\/em>.<\/strong> Just try it for a few weeks. If apologizing for causing hurt doesn\u2019t bring any relational relief, your problems likely lie elsewhere. Keep seeking a diagnosis. If your behavior and heart shift does bring relationship improvement, well, yay!<\/p>\n Call it a workout for your character<\/em>.<\/strong> You can\u2019t run a 10k without practicing. Practicing is uncomfortable \u2026 until your body strengthens and what was once impossible becomes your new level of performance.<\/p>\n Just shove the words out of your mouth<\/em>.<\/strong> Spit them out. Then shut your mouth. Don\u2019t add more words; you will likely say something that cancels out your apology.<\/p>\n Interactive multiple choice for the crappy apologizer:<\/strong><\/p>\n VERBAL COMMUNICATION: (B, C, F, G, H are the healthy options, the others range from not good to terrible.)<\/em><\/p>\n NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION: (B, C, F, G, H are the healthy options, the others range from not good to terrible.)<\/em><\/p>\n EVERY PERSON NEEDS TO HAVE GOOD NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION IN EVERY ARENA OF LIFE, BUT IT\u2019S HARDEST TO GET ALONG WITHOUT IN MARRIAGE.<\/p>\n If your partner is the apology-averse one:<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n First of all, I\u2019m sorry. That stinks. Isn\u2019t that just so EASY to say? It is harder for me though when I\u2019m the one who messed something up.<\/p>\n If you have been wronged, intentionally or unintentionally, you are in need of repair. That is a fact, not an opinion, and it isn\u2019t something you get to decide for yourself intellectually. When your heart and gut feel wounded, they are. Mind games are common: \u201cAm I being too sensitive? Are my feelings wrong? I don\u2019t want to be high maintenance.\u201d<\/p>\n The hurt must be validated and repaired in order to feel close to someone again.<\/strong><\/p>\n How you choose to pursue repair has a menu of options. This is complex, some people\u2019s struggle to apologize ranges from benign to abusive.<\/p>\n My husband is emotionally sensitive so I don\u2019t like to bring up smaller hurts.<\/em> In bringing up larger hurts with a sensitive spouse, allow more time, offer them the benefit of the doubt, \u201cI know you didn\u2019t mean to,\u201d but also don\u2019t shy away from sharing.<\/p>\n My husband is defensive.<\/em> \u201cBut what about you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou hurt me yesterday when you _______.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t notice all the things I do right.\u201d<\/p>\n For the record, hurts don\u2019t cancel each other out. Now we have two repairs, the most mature person usually goes first in these cases. You can own this quickly and say, \u201cThank you for saying that, I\u2019d like to get better at that. Now can I talk about that thing that hurt my feelings?\u201d<\/p>\n My husband gets scary when I bring up any pain or problem.<\/em>
\nWhich are you guilty of? (underline)
\nWhat feels most satisfying for you to hear when you\u2019ve been offended? (circle)<\/p>\n\n
\nWhich are you guilty of? (underline)
\nWhat feels most satisfying for you to hear when you\u2019ve been offended? (circle)<\/p>\n\n
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\nValidate yourself: \u201cYep that hurt.\u201d Then process this one with a girlfriend. This can lead to release especially when your friend sees your spouse\u2019s goodness.<\/p>\n
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\nExamples of defensiveness:<\/p>\n
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\nIf you cannot trust him to be physically and relatively emotionally safe toward you and your kids, then validate yourself and reach out for professional help. This is a much tougher tiger to fight and you can\u2019t do it alone. There are lots of resources for you \u2013 take that first small step.<\/p>\n
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![\"Kelley](\"https:\/\/blog.mops.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/MeetUsKellyGray.jpg\")
Kelley Gray M.A., L.P.C. has been in private practice in Denver, Colorado for 16 years. She is wildly passionate about growth, healing, her two daughters and two weenie dogs. She has been married to Brian Gray for 15 years. You can find a little of her on the web at