Wouldn\u2019t it be great if kids came with an instruction manual? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
There were many times when my husband and I were raising our two\nboys that I wished for such a manual \u2026 and I had a great support system and <\/em>worked at a child and family serving\norganization! One thing I soon recognized was that many of the same strategies\nthat worked for the children and families we served in our organization\n\u2014 who were struggling with significant attachment and trauma issues \u2014 also\nworked for the kids I interacted with day-to-day in 4-H, Bible school, band and\nsports teams. (They came in pretty handy with my eight nephews as well!) As\nmore and more of our staff members began to share that they, too, were using\nthese approaches with the young people in their lives outside of work, we\ndecided that maybe we<\/em> should write a\nmanual. And so we did. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The 30 lessons in Raising\nthe Challenging Child<\/em> address everyday challenges that parents are likely\nto experience. Here are a few tips you can apply this week with your own children:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Invest\nin the relationship bank.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Think of your daily interactions\nwith your child as a relationship bank. Are you making more deposits or\nwithdrawals? Deposits are things like giving choices, praising efforts, and\nenjoying activities together. Withdrawals happen when you say no, ignore them,\nor have to correct their behavior. Every parent has to at times make\nwithdrawals, however those are met with less resistance when you have lots of\ndeposits to draw from. When your relationship bank is full, conflicts are fewer\nand simpler to resolve and day-to-day parenting becomes less of a struggle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Balance\nstructure and nurture.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Structure includes the rules and strategies you use to guide a\nchild\u2019s activities and behavior. Structure helps children know their world is\npredictable and safe. Nurture is the affection, kindness, warmth and love that\nall kids need to flourish. Nurture also helps young people accept structure\nmore readily. Adults often tend to skew in one direction or the other \u2014 high\nstructure or high nurture, however children do best when there is a balance. If\nyou increase structure, you also need to increase nurture. How do you know if\nthings are out of balance in your household? Here are a few clues: For children\nwho become aggressive or act overly mature, try more nurture. If your child is\nhyperactive or controlling, offer more structure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Look\nfor what\u2019s going on underneath the behavior.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n A child\u2019s visible behaviors provide clues to invisible emotions.\nInstead of reacting to the behaviors (which can be a natural tendency), try\nresponding to the emotions driving the behavior. Ask yourself whether your\nchild is mad, sad, glad or scared. In our experience, when a child is acting\nout it often means they are hurting inside. In many cases, \u201cmad\u201d is a cover for\nsad or scared. If you can get to the root of why your child may be sad or\nscared, the mad will often fade away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Change\nyour steps in the dance.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Babies learn at an early age, \u201cif\nI do this, mom or dad will do that,\u201d and over time both children and parents\nbegin to behave in a predictable manner, like steps in a dance. When you\nidentify an ineffective pattern of behavior, such as your child repeatedly\nforgetting homework and asking you to bring it to school, a common reaction is\nto tell your child that he or she needs to change their behavior. While that\nseems like a reasonable expectation, the truth is you really can\u2019t \u201cforce\u201d your\nchild to change his or her behavior, however you can change your own behavior.\nFor example, if you typically jump in to help when your child makes a mistake,\nyou could change your steps by empathizing with \u201cWow, that stinks. What are you\ngoing to do about it?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Every parent at times feels ill-equipped for the responsibility of raising a child. You can, however, add a few simple \u201ctools to your toolbox\u201d such as the ones noted here to make the journey a bit easier. And always remember, even on your most challenging days, what your child needs and values most of all is you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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