Nothing will make you admire solo/single parents more than when you are thrown into the solo parenting role yourself. This article is meant to encourage those who solo parent when it is not their norm. I want to respectfully acknowledge that my little week-long stints of solo parenting do not give me anywhere near the full picture of what it is like to solo parent one hundred percent of the time. I know that I have many privileges that full time solo parents do not have.
We have three kids; ages six, four, and one. I became a full-time, stay-at-home mom after our third was born. At the same time, my husband started a new job, fully remote; I had just adjusted to having my spouse working from home for the past two years when suddenly my spouse started traveling for work often, usually for about a week at a time, at least once a month. These are the strategies I’ve developed for surviving solo parenting:
Strategy One: Set up parenting breaks ahead of time.
Knowing when I will get a break in parenting (besides when the kids are in bed) gives me the mental stamina to keep going when I am feeling burnt out. I hire babysitters for 2-3 hour chunks, I ask for help from my in-laws, and I have regularly scheduled meetings with childcare like MOPS or Bible study. Sometimes breaks don’t work out, like when kids are sick or babysitters are busy, and that is really tough. That’s when things like popsicle baths come in. If you don’t know about popsicle baths, they are magical; Susie from busytoddler.com can fill you in. If paying a sitter is out of your budget, consider a free babysitting swap with a friend. It’s gold.
Strategy Two: Schedule time with friends ahead of time.
Playdates and having friends over after bedtime have really helped me survive solo parenting. Parenting can feel lonely. Solo parenting can feel extra lonely.
At the end of the night, I feel exhausted from doing all the things. Food prep. Feeding. Dishes. Packing lunches. Dishes. Laundry. Cleaning. Playing and entertaining. Taxi driver. Appointments. Night waking. Refereeing squabbles. Sick kids. School. Dinner. Shopping. A kid in my bed unexpectedly. Other miscellaneous mothering mental loads that we all carry. Did I mention dishes? Goodness, maybe I need to use paper plates next time I’m solo parenting.
Putting the kids to bed alone feels like the last mile of a marathon. In the moment, calling a friend to come over is the last thing I feel like doing. However, I have learned that having a friend already scheduled to come over makes me feel less lonely, makes me feel seen, and fills my quality time love tank. I have even scheduled friends to come spend the night while my husband is gone. Scheduling playdates also ensures that you will talk to another adult.
One amazing friend suggested a staycation one time while my husband was traveling. Our kids already adore each other so that helped. She and her two kids moved in with us for a few days of staycation adventures. She even made us all matching camp shirts! It was one of our highlights of the summer, and we now plan to do it annually.
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Strategy Three: Keep it simple.
I like cooking, baking and gathering others around the table. However, when you are just trying to make it on energy reserves, it is not the time to stress about balanced meals. This is the time to give in to your child’s requests for “breakfast dinner!” every night if you want to – or Happy Meals – or that frozen pizza. These are all things I do, and they are win-wins!
Strategy Four: Shift your focus from dread to looking for the miracles in the mundane.
I truly used to dread these work trips. Each day, I would just chip away at the hours. That is no way to live. I was inspired at MOMCON 2022 to look for miracles in the mundane. That is my prayer. I do not want to miss the little things. Not all miracles are BIG and exciting. God provides blessings in the monotony of parenting, even when feeling lonely, tired and “done.”
Strategy Five: Move!
Even when you do not have energy, move! Movement is so beneficial for mental health. Whether I walk or use my exercise bike, moving improves my energy and my mood. I like to say that “you’ll never regret a workout.”
Strategy Six: Connect with your spouse.
Find ways to connect emotionally. Make time to call each other for a quick check-in. I am tired from solo parenting. My spouse is tired from travel, working long days then doing the expected team building dinners after. I am trying to make our marriage more of a priority by not letting tiredness and time zone changes be a barrier to connecting.
I am just coming off from a week of solo parenting. We ended on a rough note—we had one of those mornings where nothing went smoothly. Before you think my strategies are now null and void, bear with me.
The biggest difference in this week from the previous ones was that I was not watching the clock tick backwards. I was expecting God to show up and provide some magical moments with my kids. He did. They were little, but they were there, and they propelled me through the week to my husband’s return. While I still do not love when my husband leaves (for many reasons), I feel empowered that I can do it, and dreading it is just not helpful.
I hope that next time you are solo parenting, you can find strategies that work for you to not only survive, but also notice some of God’s miracles in those mundane moments.
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